If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
