I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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