I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
