Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
