I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
