So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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