I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
