when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
