Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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