There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
