This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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