My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You're like the curious george of whores
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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