My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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