Even the bartender felt bad for me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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