He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
