Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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