I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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