Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
