i wish there were pregnant emoticons
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
my liver is dry heaving
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize