He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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