its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
