Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
