i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
