turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
