I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
