but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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