He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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