Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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