Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
