my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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