So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
