She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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