Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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