Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So many bounce houses so little time
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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