Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
