great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
