38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
