last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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