Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
