just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
