my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize