when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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