I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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