hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
