then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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