god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
this boner is exhausting
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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