I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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