and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
