I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
