if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
