and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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