thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
