Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
