I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
