remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
