I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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