Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
