I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
