I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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