the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
